[It had taken so much time. Or not a lot really. She'd just hid in her room for just over a week, knitting. Back home that would have been a lot. The vest would have taken a lot longer, made little by little in between chores.
The shakey, shy smile remained until he walked further into her room. Tensing with a little flinch when he sat down next to her. Her head, eyes wide as she watched him. Eren... She was sat on her bed. Wah-!?? She wanted to say something, her mouth opening, then closing when words failed. He wanted- needed to say something.
Was this the words she'd been fearing since they'd kissed or?
Her hand left the needlework, slowly groping along the bed, towards the small bedside table. Ah, that girl. When she'd spilled her heart out by that fire, a girl had told her to write her thoughts and she'd tried. And now she needed her paper and those words, because her voice had frozen.
But then she paused, waiting. Maybe it was better to let Eren go first.]
[ okay, well— maybe he should've thought before he said so, because now they don't spill out as easily. the knot in his throat turned into a lump the size of an orange, is what he felt every time he felt the strain squeeze the inside of his neck. he worried, for a plethora of reasons. things already wouldn't go as planned back home, they're going to forget all this when they go, when, and when would that be? either as fast as historia disappearing or as long as their stay was going to get. was it worth it? was it worth saying something before it's gone? ]
I, [ eren never wrote anything down. pushing the first syllable out only made the rest want to hide. did he even deserve the chance to do something like this? he wanted to, he wanted to so badly and knew it was way too out of field. it always echoed in his head at night when he tried to sleep to no avail: i rejected anything good i could've had. there's no going back from that, there never was. but then . . . he still wanted to. he still wished. he felt and was a nauseating stain still existing that he couldn't stand. just this back and forth alone makes him sick, and still— he inhales, and exhales the ache in fracturing words that are quiet and mumbled for no one else to hear: ] Don't want . . . To be 'Family'.
[ it still sounds deplorable, and he's still horrible at using his words instead of saying the obvious (and better). ]
[Mikasa's heart lurched as she waited there. Sat on her bed, the place where she should have been most comfortable, feeling distinctly uncomfortable. All tense and frozen, waiting for a blow she couldn't deflect.
She still flinched when the words came. Her eyes starting to sting enough for her to duck her head, hiding from him. Oh...]
You... [Her voice trembled, something weak and frail. Absently, without thinking, she pulled her legs up. Hugging them close as she hid behind her knees.] Don't want to... [She gave a little nod. Nuzzling her knees.] Okay...
[She just sat there. Wondering why he was still here and leaving her to wallow on her own.]
[ okay. okay? so just acceptance and . . . eren can’t help but to be confused when her words don’t match her body language. was she afraid? did she feel like it wasn’t worth talking about? he’d only find out if he pressed, and fate wouldn’t be able to intrude this time. ]
Okay? [ he repeats the word back to her, but there’s indignation in it. he doesn’t move from his spot, turning in it to better face her in her growing sorrow. he’s done with the mixed signals, at least as far as he could read into them, and keep in mind eren was dense and had his own reading problems. ] Then why are you crying?
[ there’s no mercy; he aims for the bull’s eye. ]
[It was easy to accept in a way. It hurt to hear it sure, but she'd kinda figured already. Nine plus years of trying and other people knowing had kinda made her think that even Eren knew. But like her attempt at kissing him, he'd made no comment.
She huffed. Trying to hide her face even more.] I'm not crying... [She really wasn't. She might later, but she'd rather hide them from him.] What would it matter if I was? [Just as muffled as before, as she stared. Not at him, but over his shoulder, her cheeks flushed despite her wishes. Blinking a few times.
Crying... It wouldn't change anything. If he didn't reciprocate, her tears wouldn't make him change her mind. If anything, that'd make it worse. If he pretended.] I-
[She didn't uncurl from her little ball, but she did lift her head. Just a fraction, so her voice was less muffled. If she was going to say this, it's only be once. She didn't think she could manage it if he'd asked her to repeat herself because she'd mumbled.]
I...still... I still want to be close. Even if we're not family. [please, she was...she'd cope even if he didn't feel the same way. But she still wanted to be his friend.
[ what? he almost asks, but mostly to repeat herself, since, it was low, but it hadn’t been like eren didn’t hear it. but the whole thing . . . she didn’t get it. was family the only word for this? did she even feel the same way?
whether he said it or took action, the result would be the same if he were wrong. it was now, or it was never, which was why— he inhales sharp, keeps his legs off the bed but faces mikasa with his torso. ]
[For a second, it seemed like she wouldn't. Her shoulders hunching, the curl tightening. Her pupils darting to him as she stared, peeking out from above her knees and below her fringe.
But slowly, she lifted her flush face.
No words, only awkward silence as she watched him. Like a cornered mouse watching the cat.]
[ this was it now, and if he made it this far then it’s just meant he already made his decision. eren’s careful with timing; he doesn’t want to make either of them wait, but that would only depend on if mikasa wanted to do what he’d asked. his heart skips inside his chest immediately as her head lifts, and somersaults when she turns to reveal her bright flush. he couldn’t let the pause stretch— he couldn’t make her thoughts worse.
he dips his head amidst the radical beating of his heart all around his rib cage, going wild as the space between them thinned. nose to the inside of her cheek, he gives the corner of her lips a lingering yet chaste kiss, returning only enough to exchange glances.
he couldn’t be any redder, the inhale he takes in is sharp but short, and he mumbles out in confession: ]
[There was the smallest noise as Eren got closer, even if Mikasa didn't move. Just a small, drawn-out 'huuuuh' that she couldn't open her mouth the voice. She was frozen there, not even able to blink, her brain just coming to a complete halt as his lips gently pressed into her warm cheek. So softly.
... Mikasa was not the smartest person. Not with this stuff, but she was pretty sure one didn't kiss the person they were rejecting.
That'd been what she'd been bracing herself for. Why she'd never spoken since that day nearly four years ago. She'd not wanted to risk pushing him away, would have been fine just being a friend.
But now? He'd been the one to kiss her, without anything like the powder. And those words...]
[His kiss wasn't returned, not quite. Her brain had sacrificed the control of her body in favour of working out her thoughts. Because there was a lot in her overheating mind.
So many times she'd just been happy to be there. Had already accepted. Now he said this.
It was slight, be she almost nuzzled her cheek against his. Though it was half a nuzzle, half her head tilting in confusion.]
[She remained that way, partly slumped against him.]
...be more?
[...Yes, Mikasa. He just said that. She'd just spent a few seconds? Or was it minutes making small noises and kinda headbutting him and yet, it still hadn't sunk in.]
[ she was so close still that if she were anywhere close to his chest, she'd feel it: his heartbeat was racing. his cheeks and ears were flaring like a fire contained in stoves. her cheek, her rub, her weight, coupled with the question, has eren stiff— he even seems to be holding his breath. if it really doesn't make sense for her, then, he should say it. ]
We don't know how much time we'll be here. I don't know how much time I have, now. So— If you don't want to, you should say so. I'll get it.
[ he'd be— alright, he supposed. upset for a while, but it wasn't like he was even able to do this back home. he went on without the chance anyway, so, he can live with it when he'd already made that choice himself. ]
[And in return he'd hear her heartbeat. How it seemed to trying to break free of her ribs. The redness in her face had long since started to affect her neck, a small sweat starting to break out on her brow from the heat.]
Oh... [a small breathless noise, more of a gasp than anything. Her brain still catching up with the conversation.] Okay... [then a little nod against him. Her nose bumping his shoulder as she nestled. Not that she could move much all curled up as she was, just slight slumps and head movements.] I...
[Her mouth felt so dry. Her attempt at licking her lips did nothing, she was too close to him. All she did was awkwardly lick part of her lips and brush against the wool of the vest she'd made.] I'd...like that.
[She'd just been too scared to ask, too unsure. Though even now, after he'd asked and she'd responded, she was still confused at what to do. What did couples do? Her only reference was their parents and that just got a mumble as she pressed her head against his shoulder some more. Just going to muffle that thought.]
I, [ it’s happening. this is happening. this is not a drill. ] okay.
[ so, that means— they’re an official couple now? it doesn’t settle immediately, his mind is still a rush. it felt so surreal that even eren awkwardly sat there now, his hands hovering over her back before settling there to squeeze her. there was. a lot to think about. his heart was still running laps and his stomach jumped into somersaults and tumbles. there was something else he had to make clear, they both did, especially in a place like this one where one minute all he wants is mikasa and then the next dust makes him want to make out with another man. oh, hell. his face is purple and . . . the crook of mikasa’s neck feels like the best place to hide most of it, but not his voice. before he could inhale and coax himself to wait, he’s already blurting it out with subtle cracks in his voice. ]
If anything happens to you with anyone, because of this place, I, [ he swallows, thick, and his embrace goes tighter. ] I don’t want to know about it.
[ even when he says it, he says it quickly. he hopes . . . that’s okay. because he’s so goddamn jealous at the thought and would likely continue to be. had the situation been different or he’d speak his heart out completely, selfishly, he’d say differently. maybe he wouldn’t even have to be saying this.
but it could even happen to him. it wasn’t fair and it was stupid to ignore. ]
Just know that . . . I, [ agjifshh FUCK it’s hard, but it comes in a slight squeak: ] want you.
[ in his right state of mind, he doesn’t need anyone else. ]
[There was so much. So much, her mind could quite keep up. They? Her and him as a couple? He felt the same?
Slowly, she met his hug. Her curled-up body unraveling socked feet brushing the side of his thigh as she unfurled her legs and turned so her feet could reach the ground. Mikasa mumbling a small apology for kicking him. It wasn't as though she could see when they were hugging so close.
Was it odd, how her pulse seemed to calm? It was still fast, still nervous as her heart thudded in her chest. But it'd stopped being so erratic as the panic slipped away. A sense of peace replacing it as she realised there was nothing to worry about... Except Eren's still seemed so jumpy. She could feel it with her head buried in the crook of his neck.
Her nose wrinkled as he spoke. Processing what he'd said. Her nose wrinkling as she frowned. Her lips parting as her mouth opened, closing again as she thought. She'd... She'd only kissed Eren... That she remembered. But there had been moments, when she'd tried the unknown foods or when she'd just blanked out where she'd felt a hum of excitement that was new to her. A feeling she didn't want to admit she recognized. A desire she'd never had the confidence to act on. But there had been moments here where for a moment she nearly had.
She'd started to nod. Agreeing to that term, her mouth opening again to add her own-
Then he said that sentence and she blanked again. Swallowing as her own grip tightened. Less out of a need to keep him close and more of a reflex, trying to hide her face in his shoulder even more. If she held him tight, he couldn't pull back and see the colour of her face.
Mikasa remained that way for a moment. Then turned her head slightly, moving her head so she wasn't facing him. Then she could talk or try to. Licking her lips as she tried to form the words.]
...You too. [It still came out as a whisper. Words she couldn't believe she was saying.] If you...You and anyone... Not here. [This place. The apartment, it wasn't home, not really. The city was too busy for her to feel truly comfortable. But it was a safe place. She'd rather not be going out her business, relaxing and run into...someone who Eren had been...Yeah...]
[ he kind of hates that this is something they have to even mention. augh. without really thinking and only feeling that he didn’t want to have to imagine mikasa with someone else, he bends his head down in a haste to seal her lips and keep her from saying any more.
when he rises, he’s still— a lovely beet tint, sucking his lips back and— hm. yes. well, yes, he’s definitely jealous but like hell he wants to say anything more to further bring attention to it! it’d make her feel guilty if anything did happen, and him too, naturally, they just . . . had to know where their hearts were. eren knew where his was.
he said he didn’t want to know about it!!! but it’s sadly (or maybe endearingly) left an almost-pout on his face as he just. kept. looking at her lips, her eyes, her lips again, and couldn’t decide whether he should do it again or not. his mouth felt like it was sparking already. ]
[There was nothing else they could say on that topic, was there? It was a situation that probably wouldn't have happened back home... If they'd ever been- Talked about being a couple there. After all, wasn't it the powder-induced kiss that had evoked this courage? Would they have just stayed silent if it weren't for that?
Mikasa didn't know. She just knew that with things like that powder, anything could happen.
She clung a little as he pulled back from the hug, only to tense as he smothered anything else she could have said with his lips. She... She needed a second to thaw. AND by the time those few seconds passed, he'd already pulled away. Unconsciously, she licked her lips. Then realised and hunched her shoulders. Face managing to reddening even more.
Then she moved forward slightly...
....Mikasa... Mikasa that was a minor headbutt not a kiss. The crown of her head bumping into his chin at lips as she cuddled... She'd tried...]
[ this is alright. his head doesn’t move as her’s hits his chin and her frame nestles into his woolen vest. it’d be nice to just— stay here. maybe lay down on her bed and burry his face in her hair. eren still does this, but sitting upright. ]
We should eat something. [ he still hasn’t, but her company would be cherished at the kitchen table. he won’t move unless she gives sign that she will, though. hands tentatively seeking her’s, eren then guides her by them, to leave her things and get up. ] It’s still my birthday.
[ in that, and with them together, he wanted to celebrate. ]
[She nodded softly, nuzzling against him for a second. Her feet had already reached the ground. Mikasa hadn't started getting up, just rearranging herself. But Eren was moving to stand, her hand grasping his as they both stood. Her knitting things left on the bed as they traveled to the kitchen.
Maybe they'd have something sweet for breakfast. A treat instead of oats or bread.]
Happy birthday... [Just a little mumble, along with a little smile, it was time to find food.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
😳
The shakey, shy smile remained until he walked further into her room. Tensing with a little flinch when he sat down next to her. Her head, eyes wide as she watched him. Eren... She was sat on her bed. Wah-!?? She wanted to say something, her mouth opening, then closing when words failed. He wanted- needed to say something.
Was this the words she'd been fearing since they'd kissed or?
Her hand left the needlework, slowly groping along the bed, towards the small bedside table. Ah, that girl. When she'd spilled her heart out by that fire, a girl had told her to write her thoughts and she'd tried. And now she needed her paper and those words, because her voice had frozen.
But then she paused, waiting. Maybe it was better to let Eren go first.]
eyes emoji
I, [ eren never wrote anything down. pushing the first syllable out only made the rest want to hide. did he even deserve the chance to do something like this? he wanted to, he wanted to so badly and knew it was way too out of field. it always echoed in his head at night when he tried to sleep to no avail: i rejected anything good i could've had. there's no going back from that, there never was. but then . . . he still wanted to. he still wished. he felt and was a nauseating stain still existing that he couldn't stand. just this back and forth alone makes him sick, and still— he inhales, and exhales the ache in fracturing words that are quiet and mumbled for no one else to hear: ] Don't want . . . To be 'Family'.
[ it still sounds deplorable, and he's still horrible at using his words instead of saying the obvious (and better). ]
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She still flinched when the words came. Her eyes starting to sting enough for her to duck her head, hiding from him. Oh...]
You... [Her voice trembled, something weak and frail. Absently, without thinking, she pulled her legs up. Hugging them close as she hid behind her knees.] Don't want to... [She gave a little nod. Nuzzling her knees.] Okay...
[She just sat there. Wondering why he was still here and leaving her to wallow on her own.]
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Okay? [ he repeats the word back to her, but there’s indignation in it. he doesn’t move from his spot, turning in it to better face her in her growing sorrow. he’s done with the mixed signals, at least as far as he could read into them, and keep in mind eren was dense and had his own reading problems. ] Then why are you crying?
[ there’s no mercy; he aims for the bull’s eye. ]
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She huffed. Trying to hide her face even more.] I'm not crying... [She really wasn't. She might later, but she'd rather hide them from him.] What would it matter if I was? [Just as muffled as before, as she stared. Not at him, but over his shoulder, her cheeks flushed despite her wishes. Blinking a few times.
Crying... It wouldn't change anything. If he didn't reciprocate, her tears wouldn't make him change her mind. If anything, that'd make it worse. If he pretended.] I-
[She didn't uncurl from her little ball, but she did lift her head. Just a fraction, so her voice was less muffled. If she was going to say this, it's only be once. She didn't think she could manage it if he'd asked her to repeat herself because she'd mumbled.]
I...still... I still want to be close. Even if we're not family. [please, she was...she'd cope even if he didn't feel the same way. But she still wanted to be his friend.
And with that, she ducked again.]
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whether he said it or took action, the result would be the same if he were wrong. it was now, or it was never, which was why— he inhales sharp, keeps his legs off the bed but faces mikasa with his torso. ]
Lift your head and look at me.
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But slowly, she lifted her flush face.
No words, only awkward silence as she watched him. Like a cornered mouse watching the cat.]
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he dips his head amidst the radical beating of his heart all around his rib cage, going wild as the space between them thinned. nose to the inside of her cheek, he gives the corner of her lips a lingering yet chaste kiss, returning only enough to exchange glances.
he couldn’t be any redder, the inhale he takes in is sharp but short, and he mumbles out in confession: ]
I just want to be more.
1/???
... Mikasa was not the smartest person. Not with this stuff, but she was pretty sure one didn't kiss the person they were rejecting.
That'd been what she'd been bracing herself for. Why she'd never spoken since that day nearly four years ago. She'd not wanted to risk pushing him away, would have been fine just being a friend.
But now? He'd been the one to kiss her, without anything like the powder. And those words...]
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That meant.......]
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So many times she'd just been happy to be there. Had already accepted. Now he said this.
It was slight, be she almost nuzzled her cheek against his. Though it was half a nuzzle, half her head tilting in confusion.]
done - not the thread, but the tag train
...be more?
[...Yes, Mikasa. He just said that. She'd just spent a few seconds? Or was it minutes making small noises and kinda headbutting him and yet, it still hadn't sunk in.]
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[ she was so close still that if she were anywhere close to his chest, she'd feel it: his heartbeat was racing. his cheeks and ears were flaring like a fire contained in stoves. her cheek, her rub, her weight, coupled with the question, has eren stiff— he even seems to be holding his breath. if it really doesn't make sense for her, then, he should say it. ]
We don't know how much time we'll be here. I don't know how much time I have, now. So— If you don't want to, you should say so. I'll get it.
[ he'd be— alright, he supposed. upset for a while, but it wasn't like he was even able to do this back home. he went on without the chance anyway, so, he can live with it when he'd already made that choice himself. ]
We'll still be family, either way.
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Oh... [a small breathless noise, more of a gasp than anything. Her brain still catching up with the conversation.] Okay... [then a little nod against him. Her nose bumping his shoulder as she nestled. Not that she could move much all curled up as she was, just slight slumps and head movements.] I...
[Her mouth felt so dry. Her attempt at licking her lips did nothing, she was too close to him. All she did was awkwardly lick part of her lips and brush against the wool of the vest she'd made.] I'd...like that.
[She'd just been too scared to ask, too unsure. Though even now, after he'd asked and she'd responded, she was still confused at what to do. What did couples do? Her only reference was their parents and that just got a mumble as she pressed her head against his shoulder some more. Just going to muffle that thought.]
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[ so, that means— they’re an official couple now? it doesn’t settle immediately, his mind is still a rush. it felt so surreal that even eren awkwardly sat there now, his hands hovering over her back before settling there to squeeze her. there was. a lot to think about. his heart was still running laps and his stomach jumped into somersaults and tumbles. there was something else he had to make clear, they both did, especially in a place like this one where one minute all he wants is mikasa and then the next dust makes him want to make out with another man. oh, hell. his face is purple and . . . the crook of mikasa’s neck feels like the best place to hide most of it, but not his voice. before he could inhale and coax himself to wait, he’s already blurting it out with subtle cracks in his voice. ]
If anything happens to you with anyone, because of this place, I, [ he swallows, thick, and his embrace goes tighter. ] I don’t want to know about it.
[ even when he says it, he says it quickly. he hopes . . . that’s okay. because he’s so goddamn jealous at the thought and would likely continue to be. had the situation been different or he’d speak his heart out completely, selfishly, he’d say differently. maybe he wouldn’t even have to be saying this.
but it could even happen to him. it wasn’t fair and it was stupid to ignore. ]
Just know that . . . I, [ agjifshh FUCK it’s hard, but it comes in a slight squeak: ] want you.
[ in his right state of mind, he doesn’t need anyone else. ]
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Slowly, she met his hug. Her curled-up body unraveling socked feet brushing the side of his thigh as she unfurled her legs and turned so her feet could reach the ground. Mikasa mumbling a small apology for kicking him. It wasn't as though she could see when they were hugging so close.
Was it odd, how her pulse seemed to calm? It was still fast, still nervous as her heart thudded in her chest. But it'd stopped being so erratic as the panic slipped away. A sense of peace replacing it as she realised there was nothing to worry about... Except Eren's still seemed so jumpy. She could feel it with her head buried in the crook of his neck.
Her nose wrinkled as he spoke. Processing what he'd said. Her nose wrinkling as she frowned. Her lips parting as her mouth opened, closing again as she thought. She'd... She'd only kissed Eren... That she remembered. But there had been moments, when she'd tried the unknown foods or when she'd just blanked out where she'd felt a hum of excitement that was new to her. A feeling she didn't want to admit she recognized. A desire she'd never had the confidence to act on. But there had been moments here where for a moment she nearly had.
She'd started to nod. Agreeing to that term, her mouth opening again to add her own-
Then he said that sentence and she blanked again. Swallowing as her own grip tightened. Less out of a need to keep him close and more of a reflex, trying to hide her face in his shoulder even more. If she held him tight, he couldn't pull back and see the colour of her face.
Mikasa remained that way for a moment. Then turned her head slightly, moving her head so she wasn't facing him. Then she could talk or try to. Licking her lips as she tried to form the words.]
...You too. [It still came out as a whisper. Words she couldn't believe she was saying.] If you...You and anyone... Not here. [This place. The apartment, it wasn't home, not really. The city was too busy for her to feel truly comfortable. But it was a safe place. She'd rather not be going out her business, relaxing and run into...someone who Eren had been...Yeah...]
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when he rises, he’s still— a lovely beet tint, sucking his lips back and— hm. yes. well, yes, he’s definitely jealous but like hell he wants to say anything more to further bring attention to it! it’d make her feel guilty if anything did happen, and him too, naturally, they just . . . had to know where their hearts were. eren knew where his was.
he said he didn’t want to know about it!!! but it’s sadly (or maybe endearingly) left an almost-pout on his face as he just. kept. looking at her lips, her eyes, her lips again, and couldn’t decide whether he should do it again or not. his mouth felt like it was sparking already. ]
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Mikasa didn't know. She just knew that with things like that powder, anything could happen.
She clung a little as he pulled back from the hug, only to tense as he smothered anything else she could have said with his lips. She... She needed a second to thaw. AND by the time those few seconds passed, he'd already pulled away. Unconsciously, she licked her lips. Then realised and hunched her shoulders. Face managing to reddening even more.
Then she moved forward slightly...
....Mikasa... Mikasa that was a minor headbutt not a kiss. The crown of her head bumping into his chin at lips as she cuddled... She'd tried...]
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We should eat something. [ he still hasn’t, but her company would be cherished at the kitchen table. he won’t move unless she gives sign that she will, though. hands tentatively seeking her’s, eren then guides her by them, to leave her things and get up. ] It’s still my birthday.
[ in that, and with them together, he wanted to celebrate. ]
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Maybe they'd have something sweet for breakfast. A treat instead of oats or bread.]
Happy birthday... [Just a little mumble, along with a little smile, it was time to find food.]